You Are Not Alone & You Deserve Help - ED Recovery Story by Sydney Santos

Hi there! I'm Sydney Santos, and I am from Los Angeles, California. I’m currently recovering from anorexia nervosa while posting my journey online in hopes of supporting and helping others. I'm writing and sharing this not only to tell my eating disorder story and spread awareness but hopefully also to make others feel less alone.

My eating disorder started in the summer of 2020 when I was 13. The world had shut down, and people were isolated from one another due to covid-19. I no longer had school to distract me since summer had just started, so I resorted to social media and hanging out with only a few close friends.

I made the time go by quickly by scrolling on TikTok mindlessly for hours upon hours. I started to consume every little thing I saw, which consisted of Chloe Ting’s summer shreds, skinny thin girls who went viral for their “perfect bodies,” quarantine glow-up videos, and healthy meal tips. As I discovered all this content, I was overwhelmed with feelings of pressure, and I felt as if I needed to change my appearance. I started to do the "Chloe Ting summer shred" every day without a doubt. If I didn’t do the workouts daily, I would be flooded with this awful feeling I had never felt before from letting my body rest - guilt. At the time, I didn’t take note of it, but this was a sign that my mindset was drifting in an unhealthy direction. As this cycle continued, I started body-checking and comparing myself to other girls online. My social media was flooded with food and workout inspo.

All of that was only the start. No one realized it, and I for sure didn’t. November 2020 had approached, and this was when I recalled seeing a youtube video titled “I tried intermittent fasting for a week.” When I reached the end of the video, the creator compared her before and after. Seeing the impact intermediate fasting had on her immediately influenced me to start. I would no longer enjoy eating when my body told me to in the morning. Instead, I let numbers on a clock control when I'm allowed to eat. I could only take a bite of food if the clock had hit a specific time; otherwise, I was committing an inexcusable crime. Not long after I developed these behaviors, I realized I had become trapped in an eating disorder.

I wanted to reach out, but I feared being judged by people and seen as an attention seeker. I was invalidating myself because through my eyes, I didn’t see how I could be sick if I didn't feel sick. I was completely unaware that what I was doing was harmful and dangerous. Somehow I was able to push through those irrational thoughts and told my mom what I thought was happening. Looking back on this now, I realize how fortunate I am to have such a trusting relationship with my mom. Otherwise, I don't think I would've gotten the help I needed.

I wish I could say it got better from there, but unfortunately, the only change was I no longer carried the weight of this burden alone. My behaviors were still ongoing and only got more severe. I was able to stop intermediate fasting, but as a replacement, I was obsessively tracking my food intake, over-exercising, and constantly stressing over eating clean like it was my life goal. I wish I could tell myself that there really is so much more to life than your body, and constantly worrying about being thin wouldn’t make me happy. I just wish I could have prevented myself from all this pain.

My mom decided It was best to get me a dietitian. I met with her weekly over telehealth and talked about what I was eating, ways I could increase my intake, and my thoughts surrounding recovery. While dietitians were great and helpful at the time, I didn’t want to recover. I was convinced I'd be happier living in a smaller body that didn't belong to me.

I saw a doctor at Torrance Memorial and immediately got admitted to the eating disorder medical stabilization unit. I would like to emphasize that you never have to go inpatient or be diagnosed with an eating disorder for your struggles to be valid. Any disordered behavior is dangerous and you 100% deserve to recover. I was extremely privileged to have a diagnosis and validation to recover, and I’m grateful for that.

Going inpatient was basically my worst nightmare coming to life. I would lose all the control that my eating disorder was desperate for. Not only did this upset my ed, but it also triggered my anxiety around control. After being in the hospital, I was astonished at how much being there helped me. It was like they almost cut the strings that attached me to my ed so it could no longer control me like the puppet I was to it. The freedom I felt around the food was amazing; I could finally “allow myself to eat everything because I had no choice! However, the toughest parts were being away from my family, feeling like I was out of control around weight gain, and also not being trusted by anyone there.

There were constant eyes on me 24/7, and if no one could be with me, they would literally put a baby monitor in my room to watch me. The bathrooms were locked, and I could only use them with the door open, and I wasn't allowed to shower standing up. On one of the days, the hospital was low on staff, so they sent in a nurse that wasn't part of the eating disorder unit to weigh me. I did the same morning routine when she came in and got ready to be weighed. Everything was fine until I stepped off the scale to get my clothes, and the nurse had not cleared it. Seeing my weight sent me into a deep spiral.

My mind was set on getting out of that hospital, and I would do anything I could to make that happen. It had already been 10 days in the hospital for me, and I was over it. After a lot of arguing with nurses, doctors, and my mom, I ended up leaving against medical advice. I felt wrong for doing this because I was making my mom feel so scared for me, and we both knew if I left now, they wouldn't take me back.

TW for this next paragraph.

Please take care of yourself and beware of harmful behaviors.

When I got home, the only thing on my mind was losing the weight I had gained in the hospital. I was determined too. My mom watched me closely and tried to ensure I ate as much as she wanted me to every day. This was really hard for her because she was constantly at work, so when she wasn't home, I would lie about food, hide food, throw it away, or switch foods out when I would go places. I also somehow got my mom to let me go on walks, but I abused her trust by purposely pushing myself harder than I knew I could.

This is very hard to think back on because I get flooded with guilt for lying to my mom and how I treated myself. I knew I was losing weight because I would secretly weigh myself every morning to make sure the number got lower. But then I hit my breaking point. When I reached my “goal weight,” I broke down and told my mom everything. My mom was so forgiving, and she didn't get mad at me. Instead, she showed my unconditional love and reached out to our insurance to try to get me into residential or back in the hospital. I felt hopeless and like it would never get better during this time. The whole week I wasn't fueling myself or taking care of myself. I pretty much just cried all day and slept because I didn't have the energy for anything else.

I finally got accepted into a residential program after a week of that dark depression. I went to my grandma's after I found out because I couldn't stand to be in the environment where my eating disorder developed in. In that time of darkness, my weight had dropped even more, and I knew I had to gain it back. So with the help of my grandma, I gained weight and started eating the proper amount. I had fear foods with her and my grandpa throughout the 2 weeks I was there. I have never felt happier in my whole life. I ended up not going to residential and working with a therapist and a dietitian.

It's now August of 2022, and I have come far from this point. My whole journey has had so many ups and downs, but in the end, I found the path leading to the end of the tunnel. I can now exercise, hang out with friends, and eat fear foods when I want to. All of that is thanks to recovery. I still have a ton of work I need to do, but I am willing to push myself and strive for full recovery.

Instagram: sydsrecoveryjourney