Relearning how to be alone.

I used to be ok with being alone.

In fact, I thought I was good at being alone.

I preferred being by myself. I felt that social interactions drained my already depleted energy reserve.

It wasn't like I was happier alone. I was just...not uneased.

I didn't find pleasure in sitting with my thoughts, but it felt familiar. I was used to it. It felt safe.

That is until this cruise trip that I went on the first week of summer.

My brain was suddenly exposed to an overdose of stimulation from entertainment, activities, and socialization. At first, I was overwhelmed and anxious. I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle an entire week of constantly being out and about. I feared that it will turn into the previous trips I've taken where I would be agitated because I couldn't micromanage my food and workout routine. I feared that the ED voice would come back to haunt me, and I would drown in agony and ruin the trip for others. I wanted to free up my mind, but that meant I must choose to shut down the protective mechanism of self-isolation.

I guess I underestimated how far I've gone in my self-growth journey this year because I was able to let go of the restrictive mindset and be open to new experiences.

Before this trip, I wouldn't have ever imagined myself staying up until 2 am playing card games and laughing hysterically with a group of high-energy friends.

I tasted the sweetness of spontaneity and "disobeying" the self-deprecating voice that tries to constrain me.

Although this trip somehow turned me into an extrovert temporarily, the withdrawal effect hit me pretty hard the week after. It's like finally turning on a sink that was rusted and dysfunctioning; now, you can't turn off the water.

Years of depleted social interaction required more than a just week of stimulation to make up for. I craved having plans because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts again. My mood got too high on this hedonic treadmill, and now returning to a standard state felt more painful than before.

Isn't it ironic? The pro introvert that I was had to relearn how to be alone now.

I'm aware that I can't rely on stimulation and attention from others to feel fulfilled and happy all the time. So here's my plan to relearn how to be alone, but in a more balanced way this time.

1. Being alone doesn't mean trapping myself in my room and brewing irrational thoughts. I can go paint pottery by myself and take myself out on a coffee date.

2. I will share my thoughts and experiences with friends and family routinely to maintain a standard level of social interaction and prevent unconscious self-isolation.

3. I will seek gratification in little moments like finding the perfect playlist for reading my favorite book and completing this blog post at the library right now.

Social interaction is crucial to our mental health, and I have neglected it for so long. Now that I broke out of my shell, I'm learning to appreciate the moments of laughter and the moments of silence equally.