The voice in my head. - ED Recovery Story by Skye Davishahl

Hi! My name is Skye Davishahl. I am a seventeen-year-old from Washington and am currently in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa. I post about my recovery journey on my Instagram @skyesrecovery in hopes of inspiring and supporting others, and I wanted to share my story to help others feel less alone and to spread awareness.

I want to preface this by saying that everyone will have a different experience while recovering from an eating disorder, and what works for some may not work for others. Before I share my experience, I want to say that you never have to go inpatient or be diagnosed for your struggles to be valid, and anyone experiencing disordered behaviors is beyond deserving of recovery.

My eating disorder began before I even realized it, I had lots of free time since school was online during the Covid-19 pandemic, so I started doing YouTube workouts in hopes of building some healthier habits. Unfortunately, in March of 2021, I started becoming very fixated on my body image, and I was constantly comparing myself to the girls I would see on social media. Over time, movements for fun became a strict exercise routine. I then started counting calories, which became an unhealthy obsession as time went on. I was extremely focused on eating specific amounts of certain macronutrients, and I stopped caring what I ate, so long as they fit in the numbers I had chosen.

This continued for months, and I was praised by my friends and peers for eating so “healthy” and being dedicated to working out. In October, I got a Fitbit and a gym membership. This was when disordered eating began to turn into an eating disorder. Everything in my life revolved around either food or exercise. I was working out just to burn calories and “earn” my food. The amount of time I exercised was increasing day by day, and I would feel overwhelmingly guilty if I missed a workout.

During January, my relationship with exercise grew more and more toxic. I was forcing myself to work out even when I was sick and began intensely watching my caloric intake. In the spring, I was going to hours of track practice every day in addition to going to the gym in the mornings. My feed was flooded with videos of workout inspo and what I eat in a day videos. I compared myself to others, choosing what I would eat based on what I saw on social media, and planning my day around how much movement I could fit in. I was exhausted, but I was addicted to the “progress” I was making, and I felt such a sense of control over my life that I didn’t even think anything of it.

Near the end of the school year, the only thing that brought me joy was eating as little as possible and burning as many calories as possible. When school and sports ended, my family was getting ready for a month-long camping trip. My mom and dad realized that I had something going on and took away my Fitbit, hoping this would help. Unfortunately, now that I could no longer track my activity level, my mind was left desperately searching for something else to control, which I immediately found in further restricting my eating. This was when I started severely stressing over not just eating “clean”, but eating less and less every day. Over the summer, my intake dropped more and more as I continually made new goals for myself. I was convinced that once I reached a certain point, I would feel better and turn things around, but it just kept getting worse.

My summer was miserable, this was when I was in the depths of my eating disorder. My weight had dropped significantly when I got home from the trip with my family. I no longer had any energy to socialize and lost much of my personality.

Near the end of the summer, my parents realized how serious it had become and tried to offer support, but I was so trapped in my ED that I would not accept any help from them. Residential waitlists were long, and I did not want to leave home because of my anxiety. My parents were very worried, and my mom took me to the doctor, who confirmed her concerns and told me I was getting dangerously underweight. My doctor cleared me for school sports expecting me to gain the weight back fast now that I knew. Unfortunately, this was not a motivator for me to start recovery.

My parents got me set up with a dietitian, but it was not nearly enough support for where I was at. My days consisted of crying and school, my parents would beg me to eat, but nothing worked. In early September, my mom took me back to the doctor, who immediately recommended inpatient treatment. My doctor had booked me a flight for the next day to Denver, where there was an inpatient program. As soon as my mom told me this, I begged them for any other option. Denver was very far from home, and I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from my family for so long. I am so grateful that my parents trusted me and decided to look at other options themselves. The next day my mom brought me to the emergency, and I was admitted into inpatient care at Seattle Children’s Hospital, 2 hours away from home.

Going inpatient was a very intense experience. I lost all control I had over my life, and my eating disorder was very angry. I felt so confused, and it was incredibly scary. However, I also remember feeling like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer needed to worry about pleasing the eating disorder voice in my head. I finally felt like I could allow myself to eat because I had eyes on me 24/7 and had no choice. The days at the hospital were long. I felt physically sick a lot of the time, and it was very hard being removed from my everyday life. I was not allowed to walk, I couldn’t shower standing up, had strict mealtimes, had to share a room, and was connected to machines. I spent weeks there, and the guilt I felt after meals became so intense that I was set on getting out as fast as possible and returning to how things were. The doctors wanted me to step down to residential treatment, but my parents intended to keep me home so that I could recover in a familiar environment. My family decided we would start Family Based Treatment, an outpatient program with the hospital, and I was discharged on September 24th.

Readjusting back home was extremely difficult for me. I was put on bedrest except for necessary walking. I had absolutely no control over my meals, and my FBT team did not do blind weights, which means I knew how much weight I was gaining. This overwhelmed me with guilt, and immediately after getting discharged, I was set on returning to restricting and over-exercising, which unfortunately led me to continue to engage in disordered behaviors. I was lying to my parents and my treatment team, and I felt terrible, but if I didn’t engage in those behaviors, my mind would torture me in ways that were worse than how bad I felt for lying. I remember one day, I told my mom I was going out with friends soon after I returned home, and then I went to the gym instead. She somehow tracked my location and came to get me. I remember the look of sorrow on her face and how hurt she was. Knowing how much I was hurting my family really hit me. However, I still felt like I had to obey the ED voice in my head, and I engaged in other behaviors that were easier to hide.

Early recovery was exhausting and very frustrating, especially while trying to battle my own mind telling me two different things all the time. Family-based treatment was tough. I felt like decisions were being made left and right without me, and I hated how much control my parents had over my life as a junior in high school. Even so, I knew that I would still need to ask for more support from my parents to fight the disordered behaviors, and at some point, I had enough courage to tell my mom about everything. I am so grateful for my close relationship with my mom that made it so I could tell her what was going on. She was so supportive, and we were able to make changes to help me truly work toward recovery.

Everything changed when I started my recovery Instagram. I met so many other girls in recovery who showed me that it was truly possible, and as I made friends in the recovery community, I finally realized that I wanted to escape the voice inside my head and truly begin recovery.

Now I can say that I am 100% committed to recovery, and it is the best decision I have ever made. Recovery brings your life back. I can now go on walks without feeling like I should be running instead, I can listen to my body and take a rest day, I can love myself without knowing the number on the scale, I can go out to eat with friends, I can make a meal without mentally calculating the calories, and I have come so incredibly far from where I started. Yes, recovery is tough, but it is so worth it. I am still growing, and I have lots more work to do, but now I can imagine a life that is not controlled by an eating disorder. I have met so many amazing people thanks to recovery, and throughout my journey, I have discovered the parts of life that I truly value. Life is too short to spend time worrying about a number on a scale or what you look like. I’m beyond proud of everyone who has chosen recovery for themselves, it takes so much strength, but it is one of the most rewarding experiences you can choose.