I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind. - Personal Story by Mia Mayle

TW: MENTION OF SELF-HARM AND SUICIDE.

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Hey there! My name is Mia Mayle. I am a 15-year-old girl from Tomahawk, Wisconsin, who has fully recovered from an eating disorder. But this story is about how I tried taking my life on October 26, 2021. Ever since that day, I have been trying to spread awareness for mental health as much as possible and reminding everyone that they deserve to be here and they need to keep fighting. So I hope I can spread at least some sort of awareness through this.

October 2021: I was very down in the dumps, self-harming all the time, and I started to isolate myself more and more. I was getting bullied online by these boys (my old guy friends), and I was just so done. I couldn't talk to anyone because nobody would listen to me anyway, and I was just alone, scared, and confused. It was starting to become too much for me. On October 21, I remember sitting on my bedroom floor at my mom's house because I was at my mom's house for the week, and I started to cry because I did not want to return to my dad's house. I started planning everything on the 25th (a day before my attempt). I told myself, "If I do this, I won't have to see my dad/stepmom ever again" On The 26th (day of), I did not do much that day besides spending a little time with my family. Then my mom went to work next door, so it was just my brother, my stepdad, and I at the house. At about 10 pm, we played with toy guns for a while, and then we settled down. My brother was playing his games, and my stepdad was just chilling. I went to my mom's bathroom and grabbed pills. I quickly walked back to my room with them. At about 11 or 12, I started to text my two close friends goodbyes. My one friend had called her aunt, and her aunt called the cops. I had already taken about two whole bottles of the pills, and my stepdad and brother were sleeping. I was in my room crying and just ready to go. I was so tired and wanted God to take me out of my misery. The cops showed up. They knocked on my window and tried to get in the house, but the door was locked. My stepdad and brother were still knocked out, and that's when my mom called me, "Why are there cops outside our house?" I said, "I'm sorry, Mom," and hung up. She ran to the house and unlocked it, and the cops entered my room. I was throwing up. I was so mad. I just wanted to go. I felt angry at my friend for having her aunt call the cops. I was tired of living a life I didn't want to live anymore. I got put into the ambulance, and that's when I saw my dad. He was standing outside, and I was confused about what he was doing here, and the only thing he cared about was my phone and social media. I thought for once he would actually care about me, but nope I was wrong. When we got to the hospital, the cops were there, my mom was there, and the cops started asking me a bunch of questions about what happened. I felt bad if I ratted out the guys, so I lied. Then my mom asked my cousin, and my cousin told her everything, and I was so mad at her (at the time). I had to drink this charcoal stuff to get the pills out of my system, and I was exhausted. I was like so mad that this didn't work out. I got rushed to Marshfield hospital with my mom following us. It was about 4 am, and I couldn't remember much after that because I was put on something that made me woozy. I remember them putting an iv in me, and that's about it. My dad ended up going back to work, and I knew he definitely didn't care that his daughter just tried to take her life. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, my mom was in the chair next to me, and this other lady was watching me and ensuring I didn't do anything. I was finally able to eat something. I am pretty sure I had pancakes, but my stomach didn't let me eat a bunch of them because it was still in pain from everything. My mom let me use her phone to talk to my brother and stepdad, which made me happy, and I also talked to my best friend. She was in tears, and I felt super horrible. My dad called me; it didn't sound like he cared, which upset me. Nurses came in and started to talk about releases and admissions for mental hospitals. I was already freaking out because I didn't wanna go away from my mom, but I kept the tears in. We ended up going to a new one in Wausau, and before we went, my mom got me Culvers, and I devoured everything. My stepmom and dad were being very snotty, and the only thing they seemed to care about was my phone and how I shouldn't have social media in the first place. When we got to the mental hospital, all I wanted to do was cry because I was scared and did not want to leave my mom. When I finally got situated and stuff, it was so much to process. I cried so much when my mom left. Thankfully, one of the workers there was a family friend who helped me a lot. My mom and stepdad came to visit with treats; I was so happy to see them, but it was so hard to see them leave. All I wanted was to go home. My dad called me once, and I did not wanna talk to him at all, but I did. He seemed like he cared, but I thought, "Does it take me almost to die for you to actually care?" I hung up on him, and I felt so terrible. I made some nice friendships there. This girl had gotten covid, so I got to leave early due to my genetic disorder. I was so happy. I was leaving the next day. My mom and stepdad stayed at a hotel in Wausau, and then they came to pick me up the next day. I had never been so excited. When we got to the hotel room, I ate some food and took a shower. It felt super nice being back with them.

Ever since my attempt, I have been trying to spread awareness for mental health. I made an account for mental health to share my personal journey. I remember being so scared to reach out for help when I was deeply struggling. I want to always be there for people who are in the same position I was in. I want to have my voice heard. I want people to feel like they belong. Remember, I would rather sit and listen to you than have to hear that you're gone. I never want anyone to ever go through what I did. I love you, and you BELONG on this earth. You are loved by so many people even when you don't feel like you are. I promise you are. You matter.

Instagram: @miasrecoveredlife