Finding what works for me.

The past few months have been exhausting. I've officially boarded the boat of Junior Year Terror and now getting seasick from riding through the waves. Surprisingly, it isn't the schoolwork that has been stressing me out but the contradiction between my thoughts and my actions, also known as cognitive dissonance (I'm taking AP Psych this year, and I can't help myself from applying the terms I learned to my everyday life). I'm pushing myself to pursue all the extravagant activities I think I'm supposed to do to succeed while being discontent with myself because I'm doing them to look like I have it together. I'm annoyed that I'm wasting my life by devoting so much time to attending events that make me anxious and then spending more time recovering and coping with the anxiety. Yet, I'm scared to drop them, because I don't know what truly interests me, what I really want to do with my life.

So I fill my time with things that give me sprinkles of validation, the kind that excites me for five minutes and then fades away, like getting into All-State, a good SAT score, etc. Am I just ungrateful? No, I'm incredibly thankful for the opportunities and support I have and I'm proud of my achievements and I wouldn't trade my friends and family for the world. I know my life is great and I'm privileged in some ways. But I hate my brain. Maybe I'm exaggerating. I meant that I hate how my brain makes me feel socially awkward, unconfident, unworthy, and disassociated. My inner conflict is degrading my relationships with people in my life, and I don't know how to get better.

I established this platform with the intention of helping people who are also struggling mentally and sharing relatable stories to make them feel less alone. But I'm running out of steam. I want to contribute positivity and hope to the community, but I feel like a hypocrite because I can't even heal myself. I don't know what to put out to the world that's truly meaningful and useful, and I'm so drained from my other endeavors that simply the thought of writing anything agitates me.

After a few days of sitting under the melancholic cloud, I'm inching my way out. I will play with this platform a bit to make it work for me instead of trying to fit in as an informational resource. I often find myself searching for podcasts and videos that share personal life and perspectives, and they have helped me just as much, if not more, than educational resources.

So what's stopping me from doing the same?

The voice in my head, of course.

But I can't keep waiting around for it to go away, because it won't go away on its own.

So I'll keep challenging it until it shuts up.