I was afraid of the thing that keeps people alive. - ED Recovery Story by Paige Thonus

Hi everyone! My name is Paige Thonus, and I’m currently recovering from anorexia nervosa. I use Instagram to document my recovery journey and challenge myself a bit more. I’m sharing my

story because I want to be as transparent with my followers as possible and also in hopes of helping others feel less alone and reminding them that recovery is possible.

Growing up, I never really had the typical relationship with food that most people my age had. My mom had suffered from an eating disorder and unintentionally pushed those disordered thoughts onto me. I developed a very twisted mindset and was convinced that if I ate foods my mom thought were "bad," I would be a bad kid. I ate particular foods and never wanted to try anything new due to fear that I would be doing something wrong. Everyone around me thought I was just a “picky kid,” which makes sense because 8-year-olds typically aren’t calorie counting. As I got older, I started to watch workout videos and became obsessed with working out early in the morning and late at night. I also began sneaking into my parents' room to weigh myself and ensure I didn’t gain weight.

This was just the beginning of my eating disorder. I spiraled deep into it and completely lost myself. My life was full of rituals, and I had no time to spend with friends or do anything else. I knew what I was doing was problematic, but I was convinced that once I got “thin enough,” I could stop myself. But in reality, I couldn’t. I found comfort in counting the calories and seeing my weight go down. When my clothes grew too big for me, I was absolutely ecstatic. I loved the compliments on my appearance from others. I somehow made myself believe I was being healthy and everyone else had bad eating habits. I started documenting everything I ate on my phone and developed meal plans with limited variety. Girls around me thought I was so strong and admirable for my self-discipline, but I was the opposite. I was constantly tired, in pain, moody, and had become a shell of the girl I used to be. I felt awful all the time, but every compliment fueled me to keep going, until I hit rock bottom. I was shopping at the mall for clothes when suddenly, I got the absolute worst headache. My heart started pounding, and I felt dizzier than ever. I told my dad we needed to go home so I could rest, but he knew something was wrong.

I texted my dad and told him everything. I was ashamed and embarrassed but also relieved that I was getting the help that I needed. I went on medication to help with my anxieties and obsessive thoughts and learned to reach out for help. I started seeing a therapist who focuses on eating disorders, and she was able to provide me with support during meal times and would challenge foods with me. She also supported me at any hour of the day and would help me fight through all the negative thoughts. I made a challenge jar with fear foods in it to help me push myself more and to help me challenge foods that I would have never challenged otherwise. The most freeing thing I did was I had a scale smashing ceremony with my dad. We took my scale, put it in a garbage bag, went to our back porch, and smashed it with a hammer. My dad reminded me that the scale doesn’t define my worth, and then we went to my favorite restaurant after to celebrate. We also went out and bought clothes that made me feel confident, and we donated clothes that were no longer needed. These small celebrations pushed me to recover more and find true happiness.

Since recovering, I’ve found joy in life and have learned to embrace my body. I regained my sparkle and began to appreciate all the small things in life. I recently went “all in” with my recovery, and it has been the best decision I could ever make for myself.

Although recovery isn’t linear, it’s so worth it in the end. I want to remind anyone who may be struggling that you are valid and deserve help and true happiness. There are plenty of resources that can connect you to professional support. It might seem difficult, but recovery is 100% possible and worth it. Thank you so much for listening to my story, and thank you to Untangle The Mind for giving me this platform to share my story of finding true recovery!